


For all i know

by Sashasanidea



Category: Youtube RPF
Genre: Depression, Disappearance, M/M, Septiplier - Freeform, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-12
Updated: 2015-10-14
Packaged: 2018-04-26 01:34:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4984834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sashasanidea/pseuds/Sashasanidea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>His friend disappeared without a trace.<br/>Jack wants to search the world for him but can't do that.<br/>He tries to fill the void Mark left.<br/>Will he ever find his best friend?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first septiplier work and i am very nervous to publice this.  
> English is not my first language and i don't have a proofreader so im sorry if it isn't correct.  
> I hope you guys like it.

It started 1.5 years ago, they used to talk on a daily basis and jack likes it like that, he would stay up late to talk to Mark.  
He felt all kinds of emotions when he talked to him but it always made him feel warm and fuzzy.  
He never told him how much he meant to him. Jack woke up to a text from Mark asking him if he was okay. And that was the last thing he ever heard from him.

Without explanation mark didn't upload his daily videos, his twitter, facebook, instagram and tumblr just fell silent. Fans started to worry something was up, normally he told them he couldn't upload. Jack texted him, tried to call his phone and landline, he didn't get any responses. After 3 days he was so despaired he called Danny to ask him if Mark came to the Grump office, he declined and shared the worry, Mark had been one of his best friends too.

The months after that were a chaotic mess, everybody wanted to search for him. Jack tried to help, he financed searches but the only thing he really could do was keep people entertained with his videos. He wanted to keep them all out of a depression, trying to keep them happy and smiling.  
Only if he could his own depressive thoughts out of his life. If only he had somebody to talk to, but that person just left. He already changed his schedule so he would only upload a video a day and the people who followed him were okay with that,  he filmed all his videos for the week in one day, more he couldn't muster anymore. He loved youtube and the community but sometimes it felt more like a chore. Jack looked around his apartment and shook his head. He didn't clean it anymore as he used to do, everywhere were empty cans and plates.

He thought about the video he had made when Mark was missing 1 year. He spoke with  courage, he spoke to the people at home and to mark directly, he got angry for a second but composed himself again. He lived in pain for 18 months now, he heart ached and he thought about how if he maybe answered that last text when it came in he maybe would know. He tried to take him mind off things. He would fly to london at 8 o'clock to visit some fellow youtubers.he was already at the airport, after weeks of feeling absolutely nothing he felt the need to cry his eyes out. So he did, he slowly started sobbing, he curled around the bag he held against his stomach. Some people looked weirdly at him but nobody interrupted him or said anything. After all this time he cried for the loss of his best friend, he didn't have to act happy now, he just let all the sadness come out. When he had to board his plane his eyes were red and puffy, the stewardess silently gave him a wipe for he could clean it a bit, he tried to smile but could only nod.

Finally arriving at heathrow did nothing for his emotions but he couldn't wait to be in his hotel room, after catching a cab he stared out into the streets. The driver didn't say anything to him and he was happy with that. The hotel was a nice looking place, while he got out of the cab he looked at how beautiful it actually was. Jack was looking up and not really paying attention to people on the street, a guy with a beard and wild hair bumped into him, said nothing and walked away very fast. First Jack thought he had mugged him but his phone and wallet were still in his pockets. The guy rounded a corner and Jack shrugged. The hotel manager smiled while he gave Jack his roomkeys, the smile was a bit too friendly for jacks taste.

 

Finally inside his room he dropped his bag on the bed and decided to take a shower, when the hot water hit his back he felt sad again, the emotion were a nice thing after the numbness but he wished it wouldn't hit him like a punch to the gut. He put his hand against the wall and leaned, "i can't." He felt like going insane, he wanted to scream and break shit. He wanted to crawl away and die. He felt like he had no purpose anymore until he remembered all the people who looked to him now, he was the reason why some of them were still alive.  He put on a boxer and sat down on the bed, small drops of water fell from his hair but he didn't really notice them.

_I miss you mark, i am so so lost without you_

He thought it would be a bad idea to tweet this, but he wanted to let him know. Even though he didn't know but he hoped mark was still lurking, he hoped he was still reading things. But it was the truth and he always said to be honest. "Please Mark, please just be alive and reading this, please please be alive." Jack whispered into the empty room, he never thought about the possibility that Mark was really gone from this earth.

 

 


	2. Low points

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “i promised i won't tell anybody.” He looked puzzled at her words. “He will be back.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this will be a 3 or 4 chapter story. This chapter is on the longish side but i hope you like it.  
> I am also slightly at war with the formatting

Jack woke up to a grey sky and he thought about how that sky reflected his feeling now. His phone was blinking, he grabbed it and hoped to see a message from a specific person. His heart dropped when that wasn't the case and he almost threw the phone in frustration. His twitter was full with mentions of people who agreed with his last tweet and people who pleaded that he sought help. Jack shook his head, he didn't need a shrink to talk to, he needed somebody else who knew what he went through.  
And then suddenly he saw a tweet from a familiar account. It was from Mark's account.  
_Don't be sad..._

Jack sank back on his bed, the twitter hadn't been active in so long. Was somebody fucking with him, was it hacked, was it active again. It was the only activity in 18 months and the only activity since last night. His head spun around, was mark still alive, was he still reading twitter, was he still on this earth. Tears filled his eyes, he got a tweet from his best friend. He felt hope and fear building inside his chest. Jack tried to text marks phone number but got a automatic text saying it wasn't in use anymore. He hadn't tried in so long, it struck him that it was deleted. In the first weeks he had called so many times and gotten the voicemail so many times. "I'm not here to pick up the phone, leave a name and number and i'll call you back, bye byeee."  
He swallowed at the memory, his head dipped a bit and tears slowly cascaded over his cheeks. It was gone now and there was nothing he could do to bring it back.

Eventually he had to get up and go, he had an appointment and he wanted to get some fresh buns before that. There was a bakery just around the corner, his stomach was glad so see that. The guy behind the counter was oddly familiar, jack recognized him as the guy who bumped into him last night. "Good Morning, i think i bumped into you last night, i'm sorry. I would like a cheese bun please." The bearded guy got a cheese bun from the case, "it is okay, i bumped into you." Jack frowned, the guy's accent was so weird, not real british. He payed for the bun and walked off. The guy was so familiar but he didn't know why. "Bye bye" that made him stop for just a fraction of a second before he stepped out of the door. 

After his appointment he went back to his hotel, there wasn't much he wanted to do otherwise. He just started to surf on the internet, he reblogged some fan art things on tumblr en read some messages. Suddenly he saw multiple messages with the words "don't be sad." He didn't know if his fans had picked up the words but it was just one minute after the tweet he got. But suddenly he felt sad, he missed his friend. Jack opened youtube and his heart almost fell out of his chest. In his sublist there was a new video from the Mark’s account. It was only 3 seconds long and it read the words "don't be sad" on the screen. He didn't know who was toying with his emotions but mark would never do this. Mark would text him or call him and say those things without hiding. He didn't know if he had to address the things but he got up and walked out of the hotel again. He wanted something to eat and maybe see a living soul. He walked to the bakery, he always wanted to work in one. 

The guy who worked there this morning was replaced by a lovely blonde girl. "Good Afternoon can i he...o my." She swallowed, "can i help you?" "I would like a pastry please." He smiled a bit and looked at her flustered face.  
"Are you okay?" He was a bit worried. "It Is just, there is a picture of you in our backroom." She whispered and looked around. Jack frowned, he thought she recognized him from youtube but apparently not. She got the picture for him, he saw it was ripped and he knew exactly who was on the other half. He swallowed and teared up. "It's been here as long as i worked here." She looked at his teary eyes. Jack looked at his own face, he couldn't believe he had been here, maybe he still was here. "It was my friend’s, i..i haven't seen him in a long time.." "I'm sorry, did you breakup or anything?" Her face was a bit sad but she looked like she knew more.  
Jack was silent but shook his head, "no he just disappeared, we never said goodbye. I never got the chance to tell him anything." She took the picture back to the room where it came from. When she got back she gave him his pastries but gripped his sleeve as he was leaving, “i promised i won't tell anybody.” He looked puzzled at her words. “He will be back.” She smiled a sad smile and Jack sighed, “just, i i just wanted him to come and visit me once.” He shook his head again and walked out of the bakery, he had to catch a flight tonight.

On his way back to Ireland he wondered, he wondered if he had found Mark in that bakery. Was his best friend hiding under the long hair and the beard? He didn’t know, but he wishes he had finally found him. His heart ached again when he thought of the picture in the backroom, it was one he made with Mark at PAX, he loved that picture and had printed it out for his pinboard. 

When he got home his emotions were too much for him, he decided to write a post about it so the feelings wouldn't drown him.  
_Today_  
_i am tired of being strong._  
_i want to stay in bed._  
_i cry because of the hurt in my heart._  
_I am alone_  
_i don't know if i can keep going._

_I don't want to scare anybody but this is how i feel and if i can't get things f my chest i will do worst things._  
_18months ago i lost my best friend, one of my few friends. I wanted to search for him, wanted to come to the US to find him. Maybe it was my egotistical thinking, maybe i could be the one who would find him._  
_All i ever wanted was for my best friend to come and visit me. I just wanted to play videogames with him and walk along the acers and show him all the fields with cows in them. He as my best friend and i wanted to share my life with him. I don't know why he left or where he went. But i can’t keep hoping anymore, i can’t do it anymore. I have to start letting go because i am burying myself. I can't get out of bed anymore on days, i never record anything just on sundays because i don’t have the energy. I wanted to give the people who watched Mark’s videos to be happy a way to still be happy. But while i did that, i felt myself slipping away. I don’t know if im able to keep up but i don't want to let you guys down. Please bear with me._  
_\- jack_

He cried when he uploaded his tumblr post. For once he was honest about his feelings and secretly he hoped Mark would still be lurking. He could only hope his best friend would respond in someway. His heart was aching and his stomach felt like it was being squeezed together. He couldn’t handle it any longer. Jack sniffled a bit and crawled onto his couch.


	3. And that was alright

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The dark clouds surrounding their lives were still there but atleast rays of sunlight were breaking through them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter. It isn't what i really wanted but im happy with it. I wanted this to be more smutty but it felt out of tune with the story so i didn't.

He woke up because his doorbell was ringing, outside was still dark but he shrugged, if somebody wanted to rob him they could. At the door was somebody in a hoodie. “Are you robbin me?” Jack rubbed his eyes, “cuz i dont care, just take everythin’.” The guy took of his hood and looked at his face, Jack screamed and felt backwards. The guy standing there stepped inside and closed the door.”Jack.” Jack looked up at him and breathed sharply, “you, you.” He got up and the guy opened his arms as if he wanted to hug him. Jack didn’t know what he wanted but he punched his chest, “YOU LEFT ME, YOU LEFT AND DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING AND YOU JUST LEFT. YOU LEFT AND BROKE MY HEART.” He punched his friend again but felt how he got pulled against his body. Tears streamed down Jack's face, he looked up at his friend's face, “i thought you were dead mark, we all thought you were dead.” After a while he pulled back and walked towards his couch, Mark silently followed him. “You have some fuckin explaining to do.” Jack frowned but felt how his heartache was slowly flowing away.  
“I was in london, i i saw you, we we interacted.” Mark started talking. Jack looked at him and waited, “from the beginnin’ ”

Mark bit his lip and took a deep breath. “I was depressed, not just a bit down but i wanted to die, i really wanted to be dead and nothing in my life seemed like it was real. Everyday felt like a grey mess, it never changed and i never felt anything anymore. At my low point i never felt any emotion, i couldn't cry, i couldn't laugh. I wanted to die and i did without dying. I never thought about anybody when i left. I just packed my passport, some things and left.  
I i was in London when i thought about visiting you, but i thought you would be angry i left everybody. But i didn't want to go back to my life, it made me sad. It took so much of my energy. I got a job in the bakery and i felt so free there, after that i became the manager there and Iris found out who i was. She promised she wouldn’t tell, but she did show the picture right?” Mark stopped to breath and Jack nodded.  
“I, i’ve been sending you messages all week. i i saw your tumblr post and i had to come, because i was scared you were going to do what i could not.”  
“You were scared i would kill myself?” Jack swallowed, “i could never, i have responsibilities.” He looked at Mark, because he was still angry, “i tried to rescue every single one of your subscribers Mark, i tried to keep them from being sad.” He got up and walked around the room. “You never thought about how i would feel, you are my best friend! I loved you!” He stopped walking and looked at his friend with a pained expression. “Jack, please come here.” “NO, you never came when i asked, i know you were in a dark place but you never came!” Mark got up and walked towards his best friend. He pulled him in a tight embrace, “i know i did an awful thing.” Jack closed his eyes and didn’t resist anymore.

Jack woke up on the couch with somebody hugging him tight. He thought about how Mark was in his life now but was he there forever now, or would he leave? “mark?” he bit his lip. “Im here, i i called my mum when you slept. I told her i wouldn't' come home yet." "are you staying here?" Jack looked at him hopeful. "If you will have me." Mark looked at his face with pain in his eyes, "i did a fucked up thing, but i'm so sorry and i've never felt guiltier in my life. But i i just couldn't see, i couldn't see there were people who cared about me, who love me."

Jack sighed when he was done editing the newest vlog. He thought he would feel happy again with Mark being there, but he just felt only a little better. Finding Mark always looked like the solution to his depression but it wasn't just a switch that could be turned. Together they watched the vlog as it appeared on Jack's channel. It started with Jack just sitting in front of his camera.  
"I went to London this week, just for 2 days. When i went there i didn't know what the future had in mind for me, i never knew what i would find."  
Mark slowly rolled into the screen.  
"I found him."  
They didn't want to have theatrics for this, they wanted to do it short and painless like a plaster.  
"Well actually he found me, yesterday night he was standing at my doorstep. Mark will record a video about why and how. He won't be going to america for another week and will be staying with me until then. I will be taking a short break from youtube to refuel but i promise to be back by next Sunday.”  
He didn’t do his normal outtro because it seemend wrong to do. Mark put his head against Jack’s shoulder, “im sorry you had to babysit my community, im proud you did it though.” Jack shook his head, “I couldn’t do anything else, it seemed wrong. I know you would have done the same for me.” Mark looked him straight in the eyes and smiled a sad smile, “I would, i would even visit your mother if i had to.” His arm wrapped itself around Jack’s waist and he felt his familiar feelings for Mark rising. Mark seemed to see the change in his eyes and smiled, “you confessed you love me didn’t you.” Jack rolled his yes, “no time to be smug Fischbach, like you didn’t know that.” Mark looked sad again, “I knew but my head wouldn’t believe it.” Jack wrapped his arms around him now, “I am happy you are here now and well i still love you.” They looked at each other longingly, “fuck this shit, come here.” Jack pulled Mark closer and kissed him. their first kiss was hungry and wet. 

“Hello everybody, i think i have some things to explain.” Mark looked into Jack's webcam and took a deep breath, “i am suffering from depression, it was the reason i just quit doing youtube and disappeared. My mind told me everyday people didn’t like me, they were just looking at my videos to laugh at me like i was a trained monkey. It took me so much energy every day to get up and start working on new content. concent my brain told me was never good enough, never funny enough, never serious enough. I just gave up, i wanted to get out. I wanted to die, to be alone in a sense. But i couldn’t, i couldn’t do it and i just left because that was the same for me. I lived in London for more than a year, i worked in a bakery where i found new energy to live, nice people who helped me get on my feet again. I wanted to be there forever until i saw Jack’s posts, i was so scared he was slipping into the dark pool i was already in. I wanted to reach out to him and eventually i went to his house because i was scared he would do what i didn’t dare to do. I wanted to reach out to him, comfort him. That was the moment i realised i am in love with my best friend. I love him and i’m not going to let my dark thoughts ruin that for me. I will be going to America soon and i’m going to bring him with me, i also decided that i will be making new content again, not right away but don’t worry i’m coming back. So i think i will be seeing you guys in the next video. bye-bye.”

“So you are kidnapping me?” Jack grinned and sat down on his lap. “Yes and i am never letting you go.” Mark wrapped his arms around him and kissed his lips. The dark clouds surrounding their lives were still there but atleast rays of sunlight were breaking through them and that was a start.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank you guys for reading my story, i already have inspiration for another story. So i will be back.


End file.
